I was asked to talk about the obstacles I've encountered on this journey, the journey that we are all sharing. This blog is a new creation, but I guess it is time for a little soul-baring.
I remember back to middle school and high school physical education class. Those classes were the bane of my existence. I was never fast enough. Or strong enough. Or knew enough about the sport we were playing. I couldn't shoot a lay-up if my life depended on it. And then, inevitably, during a co-ed sport, some butthead would pants me.
Yeah. I freakin LOVED high school phy ed.
And then spring would bring Track and Field! Throwing heavy shots. Running fast on the track. Trying to jump high. And the dreaded hurdles, which combined running fast and jumping high, and usually resulted in tripping and falling.
I thought I got rid of all that as I aged. And now I am making new choices and taking new actions, which are bringing old obstacles back. See, I have already registered for the 2012 Bellin 10K Run. Last year 18,701 runners participated last year. And in June, I will be one more. I have not run a race since my past phy ed class in high school. I know I can do it. (And I am going to keep telling myself that.)
See, obstacles come in two forms. The obvious ones are external, like the hurdles. These are the easiest to deal with. You can jump them. You can run around them. Or, if you want to be like me, you can just knock them down. And all of us experience external obstacles in our quest for a better weight. Friends offer us donuts when we arrive at the office. We park in a distant spot in the grocery store parking lot (good exercise) but then we walk past the deli with freshly broasted chicken. We have the obstacle of cost (gym memberships, new clothes, healthy foods.) And we have the obstacle of time (food preparation and exercise.) But, if you think about it, all those are fairly easy to resolve. You shop when the deli is closed. You get up a half hour earlier. You clip coupon and shop resale stores.
However, the other obstacles are the ones that are my biggest problem. Internal obstacles, the ones that my mind builds in my path. The little voice that says, "Your knees won't make 10K" or "You have never been able to maintain a loss in the past, why will this be different?" Or "You are a fool for getting rid of all those clothes! What happens when you gain 15 pounds! And you always have in the past!" Or, perhaps the most deadly thought, "You don't deserve this."
These obstacles are the deadly ones, because I am creating and using them against myself. I can't ignore the sight of the donuts or the smell of the chicken. Getting up early doesn't help. All I can do is to keep on doing what I am doing. This is where my stubborn attitude will get me through. Intellectually, I know that I have earned and deserve every one of the 73.7 pounds I've lost since May 25, but emotionally, I am still coming to grips with it, and what it means.
And I still wonder if these losses are permanent. That's my other obstacle. I am afraid that when I stop losing, I will start gaining. In all the previous attempts, with many different weight loss plans, that was ALWAYS the end result. Weight loss, followed by regaining everything (and more, usually.)
My only belief--because since I have no evidence, I must act on belief--is that this WILL BE PERMANENT, because this time it is different. I am not doing this alone, I am changing my body and my life with hundreds of supporters. And I am reinforcing my beliefs by blogging daily. And I am using LoseIt now and will continue well into maintenance. The old saying is "Dance with the one that brought ya" and LoseIt has brought me this far. I don't think it is the right time to try to dance solo.
I'm going to be logging--and blogging--for a long time to come! And I will try to keep the mood a little lighter in the next posts, to compensate for today's post.